365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 51

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 20th, 2013

I tell myself that I am working Jazz Hands into every day life, seemingly right under the noses of the unaware.  The voice in my head (which does not utilize contractions and sounds a lot like Mitch Hedberg as a result) is convinced that it is a subconscious act, due to my total hand jazzing immersion.

We argue about some strange things, Mitch and I...I usually lose.  But I'm standing my ground here.

I hand jazzed the wife.  I hand jazzed the neighbor as we crossed paths dropping kids off at school.  I even hand jazzed a co-worker.  Every instance was subtle and none of them saw it, or at least they pretended not to notice.

Day fifty-one's multiple, subtle, unnoticed, completely intentional Jazz Hands complete.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 50

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 19th, 2013

Today I am merely going to update our audience statistical data as we now have readers in fourteen countries, spanning four different continents, all detailed below.

North America: USA, Canada
Europe: Germany, Spain, Croatia, England, Italy
South America: Brazil, Colombia
Asia: Kazakhstan, Indonesia, Malaysia, Bangladesh, Nepal

As far as the current statistical data goes, there is no way to know for sure if all of our readers have both arms and hands, or if some have one arm with one hand, two arms but only one hand, or are at a distinct height advantage.  Vertically challenged people either like to be called "midgets" or "dwarfs" depending on the proportion of their head in relationship to the rest of their body.  To this day I am still confused on the matter.  Are the cute ones with the oversized heads midgets or dwarfs?  Is it ever politically correct to call one an elf?  Either way, I'm certain that their particular brand of hand jazzing is adorable.  If any of you readers out there know a midget, or dwarf, big head or not, or have access to one, please coax them into doing Jazz Hand(s) and send the footage to me.  I can not make any promises, but your efforts could potentially be rewarded with the granting of several wishes, depending on how the midget you've found responds to the video taping.

Today I hand jazzed Brazilian, which looks considerably close to Malaysian which looks similar to Canadian which is very close to German which is identical to American which is nowhere near as cute as Midget-American.

Day fifty complete.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 49

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 18th, 2013

I'm learning more and more every day that Jazz Hands is for anyone regardless of nationality, language, size, shape, color, gender, age, religion, or political affiliation.  Jazz Hands knows no bounds, does not discriminate, and is as unassuming as it is all encompassing.  

Unless you don't have any arms.  

No armed people can not do Jazz Hands, which is unfortunate.  If you do not have any arms, you may only imagine yourself doing Jazz Hands, hand jazz in your dreams, or get bionic arms but that's probably quite expensive. 

On the other hand, while having only one arm makes hand jazzing a challenge, it is not completely out of the question.  The Jazz Hands deployed by one armed people is a compromised, slightly impaired version (by slight I mean exactly 50%)...but we can't use the term "impaired" in this instance because it's insensitive for one, and also because we already have something else called "Impaired Jazz Hands" which you can refer back to in our glossary of Jazz Hands terms, published on day thirty-six for details.

If you only have one arm, "Jazz Hands" become "Jazz Hand" and I sincerely apologize for ALWAYS referring to Jazz Hands in the plural form.  I intend no disrespect to one armed hand jazzers, of course.  

Your 50% is 100% better than 0%.  

Day forty-nine 100% complete.  

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 48

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 17th, 2013

I know a man that is very bright and one of the nicest humans, possibly of all time.  I am lucky to call him a friend and it would not be a stretch to consider him a modern day superhero. When he disclosed to me that "theater types" don't run around doing Jazz Hands all of the time, I was, to say the least, surprised.  This friend is a family man, is a very involved father and just recently pitched in to help put on the production of a play with his daughter. 

Were you aware that Oliver has zero Jazz Hands sequences in it?  That's a bunch of nonsense.

At any rate, during intermission our hero had the entire company of young actors participate in a group jazz handing to get them geared up and jazzercised for the second act.  Our hero reported the event back to me and I am proud to forward the development back on to you...certainly worth sharing.

It isn't exactly ALL the children of the world raising their Jazz Hands to the sky and singing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.  But it's a step in the right direction...a big thanks go to our hero for spreading the wealth of Jazz Hands and also for making my wish, at least in part, come true.

Now about the 30 million tax free dollars...

Day forty-eight complete.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 47

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 16th, 2013

If I had one wish I could wish, it would be that all the children raise their Jazz Hands to the sky and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes I could make, the first would be for all the children of the world to raise their Jazz Hands to the sky and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace.  And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free.

You know, if I had three wishes I could make, the first, of course, would be for all the children of world to get together and do Jazz Hands together, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for all encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.

And if I had four wishes that I could make, the first would be the crap about the hand jazzing kids...definitely...the second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm.

Wait a minute, maybe the sex thing should be the first wish, so if I made that the first wish, because it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, y'know?  No, no, the kids, the kids singing and jazz handing would be great, that would be nice.  But wait a minute, who am I kidding?  They're not going to be able to get all those kids together.  I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it's worth!  So, we reorganize.  

First, the sex thing.  We go with that.  Second, the money.  No, we go with the power second, then the money.  And then the kids.  Oh wait...I forgot about revenge against my enemies.  I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell.  That would be my fourth wish.  And, of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to do Jazz Hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

Many of you will recognize the above from a SNL sketch from years ago, performed by the one and only Steve Martin, and slightly altered by me...It's Saturday after all, and since my wishes pretty well coincide fairly directly with Mr. Martin's, I thought it appropriate...plus there is absolutely no way I could have written it better than the master.  My sixth and final wish is to have a fraction of the humor that Steve Martin has.  

If there are readers that are new to the above material...it's about time you were brought up to speed.  

Day forty-seven plagiarized and complete.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 46

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 15th, 2013

Jazz Hands teaches us how to examine life.  To observe and absorb the little things that surround us each and every day.  Jazz Hands gives us levity and the ability to time travel and to destroy and to create and to connect dots where none existed before and to write run on sentences.

It gives us a fighting chance in this world of inherently vain, meaningless futility...where the lives of both wise and foolish men end in death.

That was some deep bull kaka right there.

Still with me?  Good.

Day twenty-three we looked at things under a microscope to get a deeper meaning which I thought to be quite fun.  Today we will look at Jazz Hands from the widest view down to the molecular level and really find out what's going on.  This will prove two things.  First it will prove without doubt that Jazz Hands is more than anyone has ever thought possible.  Second it will show that there is no randomness. Take a look at the universe and attempt to argue otherwise.  Seriously, look.  It's as expansive as it is elegantly connected in every way imaginable.

Zoom in a wee bit and we find our Milky Way galaxy.  Keep in mind that the Milky Way is but a speck of dust in the vastness of the universe...

Closer still, the Big Dipper is quite familiar to all of us as we've all spent countless nights gazing at the stars, wondering how long it will take the dog to do his business so we can get back inside.

Look at this same image from a new perspective, you get Ursa Major, which is the shape of a big bear. Viewing the same thing from different angles can play a crucial role in almost every facet of life.

Zoom in close to the tip of the big bear's tail and the very end of the Big Dipper's handle, we find the star Alkaid, a brilliant bright star in its own right..."Alkaid" means "leader" which is ironic considering the location on Ursa Major's hind side.

Continue further onto the surface of Alkaid, we see a new world emerge before our eyes (quite the zoom lens on my smart phone, yes?  There's an app for that, you should check it out).  Breathtaking, is it not?

Just a tad closer, you will find this little fella swimming around the lake we found on Alkaid's surface.  Almost hard to believe...but zoom lenses do not lie.

Trust me we're going somewhere with this...zoom into the feathers on the back of this duck and you find...you guessed it (you did guess we'd find heaven there, didn't you?) heaven!

And when you finally ascend that Staircase, you get to the smallest elements ever to be found...that's not to suggest insignificance of course.  They are, after all, the building blocks of existence...and I found them with the zoom lens on my new smart phone.  Snorks.  And they're doing Jazz Hands.  How perfect.

Who knew we'd find Snorks doing Jazz Hands in Heaven on the back of a duck that we found swimming in a pond on the tail of a bear?  The universe is expansive and mysterious.  But one thing is for certain...Jazz Hands is at the root of it all.

Day forty-six complete.

PS:  Pops was his old self, back in his favorite spot today...glad to be back in the modern era.  Time travel is exhausting.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 45

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14th, 2013 (A Special Valentine's Day Edition!)

As I approach the red light at the upcoming intersection I can see him standing there in the median.  I do not recognize the young man at all, bouncing from car to car raking in handouts, building up his resistance to humility.  Disconnecting from humanity.

I roll down my window and ask the young man where "Pops" is at today.

Uninterested in answering, he turns to walk away, stops, looks back at me and mumbles something I don't quite understand, adjusts his red, relatively new ball cap and moves on.

Today, if for only a brief moment, I travelled through time.  It seems unlikely but one must not argue with logic.

***

Today's Jazz Hands is mostly cloudy with periods of rain, possibly heavy at times. This blog entry was brought to you in part by conjecture.

Oh, and since it's Valentines Day, here's a nice photo of our mascot with his girlfriend:

Be Mine!!!

And here'a a nice photo of a duck:

Nice photo of duck.

Day forty-five complete.