365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 74

FRIDAY, MARCH 15th, 2013

1st Amendment to RULE #5: Never, ever, ever apologize, no exceptions...unless blood is drawn.  If blood is spilled in any quantity, the player who dealt the punishment is bound by the governance of obligatory forgiveness request policy.  If blood is drawn, play must cease immediately.  

Sport for the wicked, this is not.  

My apologies for drawing blood yesterday.  Of course I am referring to the "royal" drawing of blood. 

Here's the expand view of yesterday's cryptic, pharmaceutical drenched entry, for clarity's sake:

Coco Hayley is the daughter of legendary rockers from the band Sonic Youth.  Sonic Youth had all of the ingredients to bake the perfect cultural music movement cake and we gobbled it up.  Without Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon it is likely that there would be no Kurt Cobain, Dave Grohl, Thom Yorke, Johnny Greenwood or the monumental shift those artists are often credited for.  Without Sonic Youth it is possible that underground rock would not have a popular forum ready made for the eventual, cultural catapult the music industry saw in the late 80s to early 90s.  Daydream Nation, Sonic Youth's sublime masterpiece is but one brick in the structure, but it is the keystone holding the bridge upright.

Many great names have carried a torch across that bridge.  That was then.  Who is building the bridge for this generation of torch bearers?

It is unfair to anoint Coco Hayley, or any offspring of rock royalty, as a generational music savior.  Nobody saw Sonic Youth coming and nobody expected Daydream Nation.  The surprise is what harbored the awe.  The lack of expectation was the source of wonder and inspiration.  

My sincerest apologies to Coco Hayley Gordon Moore.  My apologies to Jakob Dylan and Jason Bonham and Sean Lennon (I mean no disrespect to Julian, but we're trying to be realistic here).  The bridges you are asked to build is unrealistic.  

This generation's music savior will come out of nowhere and surprise the hell out of us.  Most of us will resist its unfamiliarity, but twenty-five years from now when the dust has settled, the crown will be resting firmly upon their head.

These last couple of days, quite possibly this entire past week's worth of Jazz Hands were done in the car with Sonic Youth on repeat.  My Jazz Handing deployments are connected to that fact, although these posts were only "loosely" tied to Jazz Hands.  But I can't apologize for that...I don't like wasting lives unnecessarily.  Besides, rules are rules.

Today's Jazz Hands were unapologetically apologetic.  Day seventy-four complete.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 73

THURSDAY, MARCH 14th, 2013

RULE #5: Never, ever, ever apologize.  Upon apology occurrence, one life will be deducted from the guilty player's total.  No exceptions to the rule.

This generation desperately needs a sonic youth.  It needs a daydream nation.  It needs goo as well but they especially need a daydream nation.  Where's Coco Haley been hiding?  Maybe she can lead the way.  Her parents unapologetically destroyed conventional structure and created a portal into a new world of previously unimagined creativity.  They found a backbone for invertebrates.

This generation needs a teenage riot to forge a threshold for this generation's smelly teen spirit.

They need you, Coco Hayley...don't apologize...just get out there and save them.  Jazz Hands can't do it alone.  

Today's Jazz Hands were antihistimatically influenced.  Day seventy-three complete.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 72

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 13th, 2013

Today's Jazz Hands entry will serve as an update of our running glossary of Jazz Hands vocabulary/variations.  Again, almost in alphabetical order (New entries highlighted in yellow):

50% Jazz Hands - Jazz Hands deployed by an individual that has only one arm or one hand.

Amateur Jazz Hands - When someone like myself exhibits Jazz hands, regardless of location.

Big Foot Pose Jazz Hands - Jazz Hands deployed by an individual that is walking away from the audience, but turned at the waist, in the classic "Big Foot Caught On Camera" position.  Subject must be caught on camera.

Bionic Jazz Hands - Jazz Hands deployed by an individual that has only one arm or one hand or no arms and no hands but has saved up a large sum of money to have bionic arms created for the sole purpose of deploying Jazz Hands.  Also suitable for dancing to the Styx song "Mr. Roboto."

Chaotic Hands Anarchy - Jazz Hands deployed by an individual or group that has no prior knowledge or experience with Jazz Hands, and are completely devoid of any understanding of the proper structure and form of Jazz Hands.  A.K.A. Jazz Hands deployed in the absence of structural order.

Combination Jazz Hands - Any form of Jazz Hands variations sequenced together to make a new "Combination" Jazz Hands move.  Example:  "Honka Honka Jazz Hands" combined with "Surprise Attack Jazz Hands" would be considered "Surprise Honka Jazz Hands."  Combination Jazz Hands can be dangerous when implemented together, and are known to cause bodily harm, so proceed with caution.

Forbidden Jazz Hands - Naked Jazz Handing, especially forbidden when combined with Surprise Attack Jazz Hands.

Homogenized Jazz Hands - 1. Jazz Hands done in slow motion while the rest of the world seems to whir by at break-neck speed and makes the individual deploying Jazz Hands feel as if he/her is swimming in thick, creamy milk.  2. Jazz Hands deployed while actually swimming in thick, creamy milk.


Honka Honka Jazz Hands/Male - A variation of the original but clenching the fingers in a squeezing motion (with hands facing away from you).

Honka Honka Jazz Hand/Female - A variation of the original but clenching the fingers in a squeezing motion (with hands facing toward you).

Impaired Jazz Hands - If one, or both, of your hands are holding a foreign object, like a top hat, cane or glass of beer, and Jazz Hands is conducted despite the lack of available digits, your Jazz Hands are "impaired."

Jazz Hands Ambush - Approaching a stranger and giving them Jazz Hands without provocation.

Jazz Hands Anarchy - Jazz Hands deployed by an individual or group that has thorough understanding of the structure and rules of Jazz Hands, but defies established standards by deploying Jazz Hands in an unconventional way.

Mexican Jazz Hands - A person of Mexican descent displaying Jazz Hands.  Traditional Mexican music is not required, as long as you imagine it in your head while the event is occurring.

Morass Jazz Hands - 1. Jazz Hands deployed in a boggy marsh. 2. Jazz Hands deployed in a confounding manner.  Not to be confused with Jazz Hands deployed while showing more ass.

More Ass Jazz Hands - Jazz Hands deployed while showing more ass than somebody or something else.  Not to be confused with Jazz Hands deployed in a confounding manner or in a boggy marsh.

Pro Jazz Hands - When a professional dancer, such as Al Jolson or Liza Minelli, exhibits Jazz Hands during a dance performance in film or on stage.

Random Jazz Hands - No such thing.

Right Hip Dip - Pivoting the body at the waste, to the right while displaying Jazz Hands.

Roof Top Jazz Hands - Jazz Hands deployed from a roof top.

Royal Jazz Hands, (The) - Reference to the all encompassing, world unifying embodiment of Jazz Hands.  "The Royal Jazz Hands" is done more spiritually than physically and should be considered a way of life, rather than one single deployment of Jazz Hands.  "The Royal Jazz Hands" has nothing to do with kings and queens.

Salutation Jazz Hands - Jazz Handing from afar where the act is reciprocated as a form of saying "Hello!"  This can be combined with almost any other variation, but usually has to be an exceptionally boisterous display so that the recipient has a strong visual of the expression.  Salutation Jazz Hands can be done at close range, but usually with relatively awkward results, especially with boisterous implementation.

Silent Jazz Hands - Jazz Handing without saying "Jazzzzz Handsssss!"

Spirit Fingers - Jazz Hands with the fingers wiggling about, independently of the others. This can be seen with the hands and arms starting high and ending low, vertically, which is the exact same as sign language for "rain."

Spontaneous Jazz Hands - Jazz Handing without premeditation.  A natural, spur of the moment, expression of excitement.  Almost like sneeze, but serving a different purpose.

Surprise Attack Jazz Hands - To exhibit this variation properly one must first face away from the audience then quickly pivot around to face them, displaying an unexpected bombardment of Jazz Hands.

Turtle Flappers - A display of Jazz Hands with elbows pulled in touching the ribcage, forearms and hands extended out, fingers closed together, and hands making a back and forth waving motion.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 71

TUESDAY, MARCH 12th, 2013

Tuesdays are excellent days to remind us that Jazz Hands is bringing the world together.  We are maintaining our four continent tally...while increasing the international blog visits to seventeen.  Since last check we've added a few newbies to the mix, most recently Poland and Venezuela.  Welcome aboard!  From those seventeen countries spanning four continents, '365 Days of Jazz hands' has received over 2,400 views.  This is a far greater reach than originally fathomed.  I thought that this adventure lasting past January was a reach to be perfectly honest.

No Marmals today.  No asterisks.  Just a big thankful hand jazzing to all of those that keep coming back for far more than their share of nonsense.

I do have to say that I am surprised by the lack of visits from Mexico, Puerto Rico and/or Cuba.  One of our most loyal readers has family in at least one of those nations and I thought for sure he would introduce them to this blog by now.  It's just a matter of time, I'm sure.

Today's Jazz Hands raised a couple of banners.  Day seventy-one complete.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 70

MONDAY, MARCH 11th, 2013

Marmals can be ferocious little beasts.  You never know when they are lurking and when they might attack.

Good news always seems to arrive with an asterisk.  That is to say that good news is always relative.  That is to say that good news is accepted with guarded optimism.  That is to say that when you receive good news, take it, regardless of its accompanied asterisk...and if you are face to face with your very own Marmal, kick its ass. 

It is safe to say that today's Jazz Hands were deployed with an asterisk.  That is to say that today's Jazz Hands were relative.  That is to say that today's Jazz Hands were deployed with guarded optimism.  That is to say that when you deploy Jazz Hands, embrace it, regardless of its accompanied asterisk and Marmal.

When a gust of wind does half of your work for you, don't question it.  That is to say that when life gives you Marmals...turn it into something manageable, and potentially palatable.

A "Marmal" is defined as an object that has weight disproportionate to its size.  That is to say that it is a deceptively heavy object.  An object so heavy that when you hoist it up onto your shoulders it feels as though the weight of the world is upon your back.  The object can take on any shape or form...and at times has no shape or form at all.  It is a proven fact that many Marmals are invisible to the naked eye and almost completely impossible to detect.  A Marmal can be an amount of time.  A Marmal can be a stroke of bad luck.  A Marmal can be your Mitch voice.  A Marmal can be an asterisk.

Today's Jazz Hands confronted a Marmal...it has yet to be turned into Marmalade, but it seems to be the next logical step.

Day seventy complete.*

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 69

SUNDAY, MARCH 10th, 2013

Fingers crossed.

I dislike the idea of beating a dead horse...but for every new horse, an old one has to die...and get beaten.  Destruction begets creation and in turn, creation begets destruction.  This is the cycle of our existence.  Get used to it.

Hours are spent today maneuvering leaves (thousands of them) into one very large, manageable pile.   A cold spell renders the world dormant until the silence is broken with warmth.  Destruction ensues as a path must be forged for continuity and the assurance of legacy.

A gust of wind dispenses the leaves as the newbies gain their brief stronghold.  Call it a miracle.  Call it fate.  Call it whatever you like.  Every leaf falls into place, neatly on top of the pile I have created.  Not a single one falls out of line.  I ask myself, as eloquently as I can possible ask:  

WTF?

If you have ever raked.  If you have ever been tasked with placing thousands of very light, fleet objects into one large, manageable pile on a windy day, you understand how absurd a concept this is.  If every gust of wind pushes these brief flickers into one convenient location...this is nothing short of a miracle.

I wish I could tell you that this was the result of planets aligned.  I wish I could tell you that on this day everything, miraculously, worked out perfectly.  I wish I could tell you that this event...this "every leaf in the right place" event was not the highlight of my day.  Unfortunately, I can not.

I have no idea how I will handle a real, personal crisis when the time comes.  On my forthcoming day of crisis, I hope that reason and logic dictate my response.  I hope that in my darkest hour I have the dignity to embrace the embodiment of Jazz Hands (speaking of the royal "Jazz Hands" of course).

Today I deployed Jazz Hands because it seemed necessary...not because I really wanted to.  Today's Jazz Hands are dedicated to all of those pensive leaves, clinging to their branch on a cold day.

Day sixty-nine complete.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 68

SATURDAY, MARCH 9th, 2013

I have a Cuban neighbor.  Or Puerto Rican neighbor.  I have written about him before, and if you know anything about him and his lifestyle, he is definitely not Mexican.  How do we know this?  He reminds us every time we call him my "Mexican" neighbor.  Apparently, it is insulting to call someone "Mexican" when they are not "Mexican."  Personally, I believe that it is an insult.  Mexican or Cuban or Puerto Rican...Do not be offended.  You are all God's creatures, with various tastes in food (Mexicans like beans and rice, while Cubans like rice and beans, while Puerto Ricans love rice and beans and pork). 

Is it offensive to call a Puerto Rican a Cuban if they are not Cuban?  Is it offensive to call a Cuban a Puerto Rican if they are not Puerto Rican?  We all love you...despite our differences in taste.  

The point is that my Puerto Cuban neighbor Jazz Handed me as a salutation today, and I felt that it adequately represented the entire Latino community, fairly.  The entire Latino world seems brimming with hand jazziness.  Maybe that's the beans talking.

When my Puerto Cuban Neighbor friend hand jazzed me, I pretended that his gesture was absurd (I do not want to inflate the Latino ego).  Shame on me, yes, I know...but when he turned his back I Hand Jazzed him right back.  He has no idea that I admire the Latino community and their propensity to Jazz Hand.  He has no idea that I feel a sense of kinship between us now that he has fully embraced the cross-cultural barriers that Jazz Hands destroys.  He has no idea that I love beans and rice or rice and beans and especially pork.

To all of the Puerto Ricans, Cubans, Mexicans, Puerto Cubans, Mexibans, Nerds, Dildos and Dweebs...I salute you with my Jazz Hands.  We are one.

Today's Jazz Hands lack political correctness.  Day sixty-nine complete.