365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 97

SUNDAY, APRIL 7th, 2013

It's Sunday morning.  

I can say with a degree of certainty that last night's debauchery did not diminish the quality of Sunday morning, which is a surprising result to say the least.  The only logical explanation is that the communal hand jazzing prevented the nagging effects of an abundance of ó.  It seems that excessive indulgence of ó can be offset by an equal dosage of Jazz Hands.  I have yet to confirm this revelation with the five others involved in the óing, but if two-thirds of us show no ill-effects, there is little room for argument otherwise.  If two-thirds of the ó crew finds Sunday morning giving them the middle finger right back at them, it stands to reason that their heart wasn't really in the communal hand jazzing and they should think twice next time they half-ass their deployment.  

Further investigation is required to properly conclude.  Stay tuned.

Today's Jazz Hands has unfinished business.  Day ninety-seven complete (sort of).

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 96

SATURDAY, APRIL 6th, 2013

Questions answered with questions.

Tonight's Jazz Hands were ó induced.  Induced by óóó is more like it.  

Responding to the question "shall we ó?"  A foolish man asks, "how many Saturday night's do you get?"  

A much wiser man replies to this question with a new question of his own, "how many Sunday mornings do you get?"  

Touché.

Let me set this scene.  It is an early, Florida spring evening.  The sun has set upon another beautiful day of Little League baseball, lunch with good friends and the sound of kids getting hurt on their bikes.  The air cools while a good mix of seven neighbors and friends gather on a backyard patio to finish off the day properly.  On this patio sits a table and on this table sits the ó, with ice crystalized on its exterior, frosting in the night air.  We can see little whips of steam rising above as six of us eagerly anticipate a clever toast and the dull clink of small glasses, while one of us eagerly anticipates a Sunday morning without aspirin and regret.

It is definitely not an absolute must to properly finish off a Saturday by finishing off a bottle of ó, and I have seen first hand that it is not a mandatory ingredient to induce a communal hand jazzing, but it certainly helps.  Twelve jazzing hands simultaneously deployed by six hand jazzers under the influence of camaraderie and laughter is equivalent to giving the middle finger to Sunday morning.

Tonight's Jazz Hands raised a glass to good friends...several times.  Day ninety-six complete.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 95

FRIDAY, APRIL 5th, 2013

There is a subtle difference between vaguely specific and specifically vague.  Stay tuned for details.

Today's Jazz Hands were deployed completely by accident.  Not partially accidental, as Mitch would have you believe.  Mitch will tell you that any hand motion resembling Jazz Hands is a subconscious deployment due to ninety-four consecutive days of total hand jazzing immersion.  It is a form of mental illness he will say, without the use of conjunctions.

Perhaps there is some truth in an argument that suggests muscle memory reflex plays a vital role in unintended hand jazzing, rendering the accidental deployment vaguely intentional, in the most subtle of ways.

There is also an argument to be made that nothing is truly accidental, allowing the possibility that there are events that can be categorized as partially, slightly, subtly or vaguely accidental.  Let's say that today's deployment had a ratio of 90% accident to 20% subconscious intent.

This statistic is perfect in its specific vagueness, but is in no way vaguely specific.  I will refrain from explaining the subtle difference, as I'd prefer not to underestimate the intelligence of both blog readers.  To be specifically vague, there were stairs involved in the mishap as well as a knee that works most of the time.  Most of the time can be defined with a percentage split of 85% works to 15% doesn't on a good day.  The bad news is that on an extremely good day with a 99% works to 1% doesn't split, the 99% does portion is meaningless if the 1% doesn't occurs while embarking on a grueling climb of a carpeted staircase.  During this 1% doesn't time frame, the daunting task of stair climbing becomes an unappealing venture 100% of the time.  This may be the only such time where you will find an equation that 1% equals 100%.

For the past ninety-four days I have been honing my jazz handing skills, not knowing that by deploying a form of Jazz Hands, albeit a spontaneous, partially accidental, panicked version on day ninety-five would actually help me catch my balance, potentially preventing a variety of unthinkable, life-threatening injuries related to falling down the stairs.  Although I'm not at all certain how severely someone can become hurt falling down two steps (I was in the early stages of the climb), but I'm alive to tell the tale and that's what really counts.

Today's Jazz Hands saved my life.  Day ninety-five complete.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 94

THURSDAY, APRIL 4th, 2013

Some might say there are two categories of Nine Lives players.  They will try to tell you that there is the winner and then there is everybody else.

Of course, I disagree.

There  certainly are winners and everybody else, I don't disagree with that entirely, but there are subcategories contained within each of those as well.  There are gracious winners that accept victory humbly.  There are sore losers that blame rotten circumstance for their demise.  

There are space cowboys, gangsters, pickers, grinners, lovers, sinners, jokers, smokers and midnight tokers.  There are sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebs dickheads and righteous dudes.

There are finesse players, those that hit for power, and then there are the talented few that can eloquently finesse, deploy backspins, aim impeccably and then blindside you with ferocity in the form of a wicked spike to the face.  Perhaps they'll wind to exert power and when they see you wince, pull back and delicately dink the ball so that it brushes your shin ever so slightly before hitting the ground.  

There are many, many effective methods of play in Nine Lives...it takes all walks of life to play in a variety of ways to make the game dynamic and engaging.  You have to find your own way and deploy your own version in a style that you will feel good about.  

It's not unlike finding your own hand jazzing style.  You may never be an Al Jolson, no matter how much you attempt to perfect your Jazz Hands, therefor you must find your own niche.

Today's Jazz Hands combined a great film with an overplayed song.  Day ninety-four complete.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 93

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 3rd, 2013

RULE #9:  A player can not make contact with the game ball more than once until they become eligible to do so again.

To clarify:  A player may not make purposeful contact with the game ball with successive hits.  If a player contacts the ball purposefully multiple times prior to another player making contact with the game ball (of any kind, intentional or not), that player will lose one life.

If the ball hits any part of a player's body, the contact may be considered unintentional or incidental rendering the player ball hit eligible.  If the player puts their hands up to block the face from a ferocious spike attempt and successfully prevents the game ball from making a direct impact onto their face, the block is considered to be an intentional hit, making the player ineligible to again make contact with the ball until it makes contact of any kind with another player, as previously stated.

The big distinction is purposeful versus unintentional game ball contact.  A real game example to illustrate:  A player may not kick the ball up to themselves and then spike the ball in sequence.

If there is a hit that is questionably intentional, game play can be halted and the play may be voted on amongst the remaining players not directly involved in the play.  If the vote is split, or if the game is being played by only two players in a one vs. one scenario, a rock, paper, scissors battle will settle the dispute.  Third party onlookers may also be asked to participate in the voting if they witnessed the questionable play.  This policy can be deployed in any questionable game play such as determining "gettable" versus "ungettable" balls, whether or not a player is guilty of cowering, or to question if an apology was uttered in the appropriate sarcastic manner.

Once any dispute is settled via vote and/or rock, paper, scissors, the decision is final...the guilty party deducts one life and the game ball is served up with the "Jazz Hands!!!" deploynouncement to commence play.

Today's Jazz Hands are hit eligible.  Day ninety-three complete.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 92

TUESDAY, APRIL 2nd, 2013

Tis a new month, thus time for our monthly statistical data report.  The visitation total is up to just over 3,000 and since last official count we have added five new countries to our list of international readership.  Surprisingly enough, a couple of them came back for multiple visits.  

Go figure.

Please join me in a round of Jazz Hands to welcome our newbies.  Mexico becomes our third North American country (yes, Mexico is in North America).  Taiwan, Pakistan and China adds three Asian countries to our cultural mix (who knew China was allowed to use the internet?) and represent our largest continent on board the Jazz Hands trolly.  Last but certainly not least, we have been joined by the one country that spans not one, but two continents.  Why they didn't just declare Russia it's own continent, I'll never know (like Africa did some time ago).

Just to be abundantly clear, I have added Russia's flag to the European column of hand jazzing nations, although I could have just as easily thrown it over there with the Asians constituents.  If our Russian friend lives in the Asian portion of Russia, feel free to leave a comment below and I will be more than happy to correct the allocation.

Since Russia comprises approximately 40% of Europe's total landmass, with 78% of the Russian populace residing within European borders, it seems that the European continent is an appropriate association and will remain as such until otherwise notified by our Russian comrade.  Also noteworthy:  The Russian capitol of Moscow is located within the European continent in addition to Russian religion, cuisine and language all being heavily European in origin and influence.  All the more reason to assume our Russian reader is deploying a very European version of Jazz Hands.

Today's Jazz Hands proudly waved five new flags.  Day ninety-two complete.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 91

MONDAY, APRIL1st, 2013

Today I will document seemingly unrelated thoughts and observations, attempt to tie them together, and ultimately to Jazz Hands, in vain.

Last night I saw an advertisement for a major fast food chain that used Jazz Hands prominently throughout the commercial.  At first I was amused and found it somewhat entertaining.  Then I felt a bit dismayed, seeing Jazz Hands utilized as a marketing gimmick.  Then I shifted back to pleased at the thought of jazz handing's rise in popularity, but then countered that with longing for the good old days when Jazz Hands was cultish and more of an insider's game, not necessarily having the watered down, mass appeal that sucks the life out of all things awesome.

Shifting gears back to "Trollyology."  If you recall day seventy-eight back on March 19th where we last left our brain in a vat with a moral dilemma to contemplate...

The bonus post presented a moral dilemma regarding a train, or trolly with a brain in a vat at the helm with a morbid decision to make.  Go left and kill people, with unintended consequences listed as a result, or go right and kill people with a different set of unintended consequences listed as a result.  The given scenario is ridiculous in hindsight.  It was a difficult enough task to contemplate the actual moral dilemma at hand, let alone having to draw out a comprehensive death grid dictating who to kill, who to save and which side of the tracks version of murder was more acceptable and thus, justified.  Let me rephrase the moral dilemma more simply, which is something I should have done in the first place.  Let us entertain the thought of a train, or trolly (hence, "Trollyology") on a collision course with a school bus.  You have three choices.  

1. Do nothing.

2. Pull a lever, switching the train's course where one man, standing in the train's path will be killed.

3. Push that same man's heavier set twin brother onto the tracks, stopping the train on impact with said heavier set twin brother.

You have to choose one.

Winston Churchill was faced with a similar dilemma during World War Two, which is at least in part the point in the trolly exercise and the origin of the philosophical moral dilemma regarding the trolly.  The Germans invented flying bombs that the English nicknamed "Doodlebugs" due to the buzzing noise they made.  Doodlebugs were sent into London in an attempt to destroy military installments vital to England's war cause.  The Doodlebugs mostly fell short of their intended targets, sparing the precious English war machinery, but instead found purchase in residential areas killing thousands of civilians.

Churchill had three choices.

1. Do nothing with hope that the Germans will not wise up and continue to miss their intended targets, which saves the English war efforts, yet sacrifices civilians in the process.

2. Disseminate reports communicating that the bombs were misguided, humiliating the Germans, with the likely result in adjustments and subsequent better aim, saving the civilians while compromising the military installations.

3. Disseminate misinformation detailing the success of the German's bombardment ensuring that the Germans would continue their errant doodlebugging.

Churchill ordered the third option, resulting in 6,000 civilian deaths, ultimately preserving the war effort to secure the lives of the tens of thousands of others that would otherwise perish if the Germans got their way.  Intentionally surrendering thousands of innocent lives, lives you are charged with protecting, could not have been an easy decision to say the least.  

So back to our trolly.  The one scenario I just do not see happening is to sit idle and let the train destroy a bus full of children.  Is there a difference between changing the course of the trolly with knowledge that it will result in an innocent man's death, sparing the lives of children, versus physically pushing a man onto the tracks?  Both are morally justified.  Both have the same result.  So does it matter what path you choose?

One of my favorite moments in college was during a lecture, freshman year.  The hall, half filled with eager minds, the other half filled with people like me.  An elderly woman, rotund and short, dropped her books in the center isle and upon bending over to pick up the spilled contents, her pants fall down revealing her large, granny panties to all.  The entire lecture hall breaks out in laughter.  The eager minds laugh.  The people like me laugh.  The professor laughs.  Philosophy 101 students need a good chuckle from time to time and if memory serves, Mrs. Rotund provided a fair amount of them throughout the course of a semester.  I do not recall if this occurred on Brain In A Vat Discussion Day or not, but the dense subject matter certainly requires comic relief, as does life in general.

Levity is needed or else you'll get swallowed up and pooped out of existence and if you know for a fact that in time you will be nothing but fertilizer, why not attempt to make choices you can live with and laugh as much as possible in the process.

Enter Jazz Hands.  The Royal Jazz Hands...the not so Royal Jazz Hands...Jazz Hands that make you contemplate...consider...reconsider...and also laugh.  Let Jazz Hands sell flame broiled hamburgers.  Let Jazz Hands "Bring It!"  Whatever you do, please don't take Jazz Hands seriously.  If you do, think of our dear old friend Mrs. Rotund and her granny panties...even a brain in a vat would find humor in that.

Probably not Winston Churchill though.  He had Doodlebugs to worry about, which is serious business.

Today's Jazz Hands could not decide.  Day ninety-one complete.