365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 158

FRIDAY, JUNE 7th, 2013  

What was that?

Obviously, that is a question posed in the past tense.  Note the emphasis on the word was.  If I pose the same question but emphasize the word that, the implication completely changes.

What was that?

See what I mean?

Emphasizing the what indicates a lack of credibility to the subject matter of the question.  As in, do you trust your eyes?  Or perhaps you have just seen something that you can not believe actually took place, even though there is physical evidence of the occurrence.  For instance, let's say for the sake of argument you are stopped at a red light and a gentleman pulls up next to you, let's say this man is handsome, again for the sake of argument.  And highly intelligent.  Of course, you wouldn't know for sure that he is highly intelligent, he just looks the part.  Then this man looks right at you and gives you a hand jazzing of a lifetime.  It would not be unreasonable to say "What was that?"

"What was that", emphasizes the word was, and puts the onus squarely on the time frame.  Say it to yourself in your head and note the difference between the two sentences.  

What was that?  What was that?

The best example I can give you here is time moving so fast that you wonder where the hell it all went. There is the speed of sound which is fairly quick.  There is the speed of light, which is pretty darn fast.  There is the speed of neutrinos, which is ridiculously, unfathomably and theoretically super-duper fast.  Then you have the speed of time, which fluctuates constantly based on the activity taking place within it.

A couple of days in a cabin on a lake in the middle of the woods with your friends and family with nothing to do but fish, kayak, splash around in bubbling natural springs, eat, drink and be irresponsible, speeds up time considerably.  It leaves one scratching their head and asking...

What was that?

The point I'm really getting at is the phrase, regardless of the version deployed, emphasizes those things that are behind you.  It takes the past and places into a current context.  Everything that happened before effects what is happening now and ultimately alters those things that have yet to be.  Not getting hung up on the past is all well and good, but do you completely neglect to check your rear view mirror while on the highway?  It seems prudent to do so.

The past few days were spent in the perfect hiding place.  Today, tomorrow and the day after that will not abandon the place I just came from...and this will assist in my future mental health.  

Time well spent is a wise investment.  Use it with purpose.

Today's Jazz Hands have eyes in the back of their head.  Day one-hundred and fifty-eight complete.  

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 157

THURSDAY, JUNE 6th, 2013  

I can not believe that it's already time for another Statistical Data Update yet here we are, five countries, one continent and one month older.  

Our newcomers include:

Ukraine
Belgium
Turkey
Japan
Ghana

Now over 5,000 visits, our cumulative list of nations include the following:

Continents (6): North America, South America, Europe, Asia, Australia and now Africa!

Countries (31): USA, Canada, Mexico, Venezuela, Colombia, Brazil, Germany, Spain, Croatia, United Kingdom, Italy, France, Poland, Russia, Netherlands, Denmark, Ukraine, Belgium, Turkey, Kazakhstan, Indonesia, Malaysia, Bangladesh, Nepal, China, Pakistan, Taiwan, South Korea, Japan, Australia and Ghana. 

Today's Jazz Hands welcomes the newbies.  Day one-hundred and fifty-seven complete.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 156

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 5th, 2013  

Once upon a time they took residence under beds and behind closet doors.  They crept out only at night, had big pointy fangs, musty blood stained fur and claws that would tear little feet to shreds if they dared to dangle too long over the side of the bed.  This is the world of a child and it is very real to them.  If you don't believe me, go ahead and waste your precious time convincing one otherwise. 

Wiser years fast approach and with them a crippling realization.  These monsters are not merely confined to the spaces we once believed. 

Children can be soooo naive.

Cautiously approaching the portal intersection of West Kennedy Blvd. and Dale Mabry, I immediately recognize Zombie Pops wandering about, holding a sign with the words "Will Work For Brains" scribbled across its face in black Sharpie marker.  As luck would have it the light turns red and there I am face to face with a real life monster.  Of course, he seems harmless enough...but I know better.  I can read.

I roll down my window (push the little down button thingy that is) and motion for him to pay me a visit and he obliges, methodically.  Very methodically.  Okay, so it took him a painfully long damn time to make his way over to me.  Eyes sullen...listless posture...yep...he's been compromised.

"POPS!" I say to him.  "I've got a bag of salt...ahem...snacks!"  He responds with some form of unrecognizable, impeded speech.  Half groan half mumble really.  Suspicions confirmed.  Did I see a little drool there coming out of his mouth as he sized up my head? 

I grow understandably anxious.

With a nervous laugh, I blurt out "Some ravioli in there...no need for a can opener, ha ha!"

Then a sense of calm filtered through my body like cool water.  A moment of clarity came upon me and before I hand Pops the care package I ask him "do you know Jazz Hands?" accompanied with a visual reference deployment.  His eyes light up and feverishly shakes his hands in return.

"Jarzzz Hnnnnnds!?" he responds.  I think. 

His zombie face, glowing green, delivers a toothy smile and I hand over the anti-virus kit I had meticulously prepared for him.  A honk from behind me suggests that I'm keeping the traffic from traveling through the portal.  I prepare for takeoff and notice Pops, perched back onto his median curb, waving to me and shouting unimpeded "Jazzzz Hands!!!"  Not only did I understand his words clearly, but he looked to be standing taller, healthier than before...yet he had not consumed one mg of sodium.

Once upon a time Jazz Hands was thought to be an infection of sorts...not unlike a zombie virus.  At one point I sensed the onslaught of a Jazz Hands apocalypse.  As it turns out, logic suggests that hand jazzing may actually be something of a miracle cure-all antidote.  Go figure.

Grown-ups can be soooo naive.

Today's Jazz Hands prevented the apocalypse.  Day one-hundred and fifty-six complete.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 155

TUESDAY, JUNE 4th, 2013  

I would like to acknowledge the fact that I can be rather inconsistent at times.

Some days my Jazz Hands are abhorrent.  On others they're taking over the world...or saving the world...or saving the world by taking it over...or taking over the world by saving it.

See what I mean?

Every consistency has deviation.  Every success, potential failure.  The humblest symbols of strength can be monumental to the meek while strength can crumble under the catastrophe of a subtle blemish.

Contradiction gives us tension gives us balance gives us harmony.

Some days I want to slink away and hide from the world.  On others I want to conquer it.  Some days I see the significance in the little things.  On others, insignificance in the monumental.

Some days I believe we can all be systematically categorized and that none of us are as unique as we'd like to think we are.  On others I believe that there is no way possible two people share the same combination of categorical traits (notice I did not completely concede there).

I prefer not to see this as hypocrisy.  I see this as contrast and if it were not for contrast we would not see anything at all.  I prefer to see this as tension, and if it were not for tension we would not feel anything at all.  I prefer to see this as friction and if it were not for friction our wheels would endlessly spin, taking us nowhere at all.

What would anticipation be without time pressed firm against it?  Resiliency is another way of expressing a hardship's opposing force.

There can be no challenge in the absence of opposition.  Tension holds us together and pumps blood through our veins.  My hands moving in complete opposition, yet strangely unified, deploy today's version of Jazz Hands.

Day one-hundred and fifty-five complete.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 154

MONDAY, JUNE 3rd, 2013  

Zombie Purification Kit (also known as Care Package for Pops) Inventory List:

• One 15oz can of mini ravioli in tomato and meat sauce -1500mg Sodium.
• One 1.2oz bag of cheese flavored popcorn - 240mg Sodium.
• One 6.3oz bag of cheddar cheese filled pretzel baked snacks - 1800mg Sodium.
• One 10oz bag of three-cheese medley sourdough nibblers - 1,890mg Sodium.
• One pair of 6.75 fl. oz organic grape flavored juice boxes - 5mg Sodium each.
• One plastic fork (0mg sodium).
• One hand full of Subway napkins (0mg sodium).
• One AT&T Store bag to hold Purification Care Package Kit (0mg Sodium).

Some notes on the above contents:

I went out of my way to ensure that the can of ravioli was accessible for Pops.  For starters, I thought it might be incredibly rude of me to hand over a can of ravioli with no means for him to open it.  To avoid having to include a can opener, the best option, really, are the cans that offer an easy open, pull tab lid.  I probably do not have to go into detail why it may or may not be a good idea to hand a can opener over to a zombie.

But I will.

To be perfectly fair, I'm really not certain what would be more painful, bare teeth sinking into the flesh of my head or a can opener prying open the difficult parts.  My hope is that Pops is so pleased with the pull tab lid that he will forget, if only until the light turns green at the portal intersection of West Kennedy Blvd. and Dale Mabry, that what he actually craves is brain matter.  He will be so entranced with the shiny, easy open can that I will make a clean getaway.

I should also note that only one of the organic, grape flavored juice boxes has a straw.  I hope that Pops has his wits about him enough to realize that he needs the straw from the first juice box to extract the contents of the second.  If he drinks the first and discards the refuse, all hell will break loose.  On the other hand, if his first juice box encounter is with the strawless container, he may be so infuriated regarding the difficult entry that a rampage ensues.  This is not unrelated to the fury resulting from handing over a can of inaccessible ravioli.

The fact that these juice boxes are organic has no relevance other than this particular flavor of organic grape was fairly detestable to my kids resulting in an extended stay in the ice box.  Noticing there is some sodium content within them, I figured I'd unload the unwanted beverages, ridding the fridge of unnecessary clutter as well as curing Pops of his infection.  Plus it is nice to have a beverage handy after consuming salty snacks and/or brains, preferably the former.

Regarding the notation of Subway napkins and the AT&T Store bag, I sincerely hope Pops does not take offense to the subtlety here.  I'm fairly certain he would love nothing more than to walk into an electronics store and purchase phones, phone accessories and data plans to make his life complete and then go to Subway for lunch while texting his friends with the device he just activated at said store...but no...instead he must be reminded of the things he can not buy and can not do.

Also noteworthy, I felt it necessary to list each item in singular form.  You may have noticed the "one pair of juice boxes" and the "one handful of Subway napkins."  Yes, there were multiples of those, but when preparing to rid the world of zombies, one must be as precise and consistent as possible...or else the entire plan will ultimately fail.

Last note, I promise:  I mentioned that the fork and napkins have zero sodium content due to the fact that Pops is likely very hungry and may consume them...plus his state of mind may not allow him to appropriately assess edible versus not...hence the inclusion.

To sum:  The Zombie Care Package contains a grand total of 5,440mg sodium which should be plenty enough to stop a zombie in their tracks.  The recommended amount of salt to cure a zombie of his troubles is somewhere north of 5,000, so I believe we're in good shape here, so long as Pops consumes most of it...he may only share approximately 440mg worth of sodium, or this is all for naught. 

You may use my care package checklist to prepare your own kit if you like.  But remember to be consistent and precise.  And be somewhere north of 5,000mg of sodium.  Or else you're merely wasting your time.  Oh...and don't forget...no can openers. 

Today's Jazz Hands have an easy open lid.  Day one-hundred and fifty-four complete.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 153

SUNDAY, JUNE 2nd, 2013  

As luck would have it, my brain was too cluttered to write anything with substance today.  So on this particular Sunday, I spent some time putting unnecessary thoughts out by the curb, then compartmentalized, categorized and labeled the ideas worth saving and put them into their appropriate locations.  Contemplation in the drawers, irony and humor in the cupboards, and the darker items that get hung up on our brief insignificance packed up into boxes, up to the attic with them.

I also cleaned out the garage today and the sense of freedom...the sense of freedom...well...the sense of freedom feels...

I can't quite think of the right words.  

Well...my garage brain is clear...or empty...or just free from thought clutter.  That's a Sunday for you.

Today's Jazz Hands were wiggly and stuff.  That's the best I've got.

Day one-hundred and fifty-three complete.

365 Days of Jazz Hands - Day 152

SATURDAY, JUNE 1st, 2013  

There was once a subculture of a subculture of a culture that established June 1st as their holy day.  Ceremonial games of Nine Lives were played, tournaments waged, blood drawn and apologies completely withheld.  All in an appreciative exhibition to their Blue Meanie god.  And also to have one hell of a good time in the most unexpected ways imaginable.

Pilgrimages to the sandy dunes of the Canadian coastline were made to embolden solidarity.  Marsh mellows stolen by raccoons.  Secrets were whispered and kept.  Gifts were given.  Songs sung.  And the rain would fall and fall and fall.  

Did I mention that it rained?

As all things are meant to move in and out of your life, all good things eventually come to an end as the pillars of this cult still stand tall but no longer as one.  They have pressed on, endearing themselves to new subcultures of subcultures.  Expanding their scope of experience.

But the blue flame lives on.

The inaugural June 1st holiday fell on a Friday and was thus termed Blue Friday.  The basic rule of thumb is that whichever day of the week June 1st lands on, you put the word blue in front of it.

So to all of you that have lived and breathed the essence of the Blue Meanie, these Jazz Hands are for you.  And to all of you that have not, well, this is not an exclusive thing, so these Jazz Hands are also for you, and here's a pointer:  Think of the essence of the Blue Meanie in the same way you consider the Royal Jazz Hands, and you are well on your way.

Happy Blue Saturday!

Day one-hundred and fifty-two complete.